the void of a teenage girl's empty heart;

normally i try to keep things light and positive (funny considering this is my first real post lmao) but I just need somewhere to place my thoughts without any of my friends/family seeing.

maybe it’s the hormones but i have been very emotional today and it’s like fml. i’ve been innocently scrolling tiktok and i’ll see one sad video and the next minute i’m balling my eyes out for 30 minutes.

i feel empty inside sometimes. it started when i first got into an argument with my grandma in october. i live with her and we’re pretty close, but i really had it with her that day. she had told me that she didn’t want to do anything for halloween, so I made plans with my dad and stepmom because I’ve never really spent halloween with them like that.

my grandma had known about that for at least a week, however when we were driving home one day she was like “you know, you don’t have to go over. you can stay here with your real family.”

i do consider my stepmom and my stepbrother my real family. that is my family.

and we got into an argument over it, and she tried to claim that wasn’t what she said. it was exactly what she said. I vividly remember it. it really hurt because i see them as my family, and even if she doesn’t, she can keep it to herself. I already know she doesn’t like my stepmom, she doesn’t need to remind me every fucking opportunity she gets. and my dad isn’t even her son, she’s my grandmother on my mom’s side.

but ever since that argument I felt like a piece of me died. there’s been a void in my brain since then, and i can’t quite figure out what it is. i’ve been getting better over the few months, but within that timeframe i’ve also asked my mother if she could take me to get tested because if i do have depression or something, I would want to know.

all she said was “k.”

she never took me.

i’ve been alone with my thoughts. i play music to drown out the noise of my echoing thoughts, screaming at me that’s saying something isn’t right. i know it’s not right, but there’s nothing i can do about it. i’ve been sober with my thoughts too, i’m too much of a pussy to steal alcohol. my grandma hasn’t drank in a while so obviously she’d notice if something was gone.

the only thing i’ll get is the occasional shot when i’m with my dad and stepmom, they’re more relaxed on the matter but that’s all i’ll get. it does nothing to numb the void. sometimes i’ll ask my dad for more and he’ll say no but i’ll play it off as a joke.

it was never really a joke. i do need help.

i’m not going to harm myself, i just hate feeling this way. feeling empty. it affects my school, i’ve been absent almost every day since then and my school wants to take me to court. i don’t know why then don’t. but if i got a diagnosis, i’d at least have a reason. i know there’s something wrong, but people around me are refusing to see it.

i opened up to my dad about it, and he said he’d try to find something. it’s been over a month and still nothing.

the only temporary vice i’ve found is collecting dolls, but none of my friends are into it and i struggle to make friends. i collect dolls because it reminds me of a simpler time, before i had to grow up. i grew up too fast, and now i’m regretting it. sometimes i wish i never got a phone when i was 11, maybe things would be different. i wouldn’t be as damaged, maybe. i used to have a big beautiful doll collection when i was a child, but me being me, i played hairdresser and cut off their hair. i lost all of their clothes, and i lost most of the dolls when i moved. very slowly, am i rebuilding my doll collection.

as much as she gets on my nerves sometimes, i’m thankful to have a grandma who will support me in my collection. i think it’s because she still sees me as her baby. i was her last baby, honestly. my mother gave birth to my but my grandma raised me. i’m glad she supports me because during the times i have to be my age, i can go home and i won’t have to be. i can admire my dolls, change their outfits and brush their hair (without cutting it off, of course) and be free.

i’ve also fallen back into wrestling, which i’m thankful for. i grew up watching it with my grandpa, and we bonded over it. when they come to my city, we’ll go and watch them. sometimes i feel bad because i’m a casual watcher while my best friend watches every show, it makes me feel incompetent sometimes. but other times it doesn’t, she wants to be a professional wrestler when she’s older, and watching it helps her. obviously.

she might not know it, but i’m her biggest supporter. and when she’s on the ramp, headlining the biggest show in wrestling, i’ll be the louder cheerer. even if we ever fall out. i’ll still be her biggest cheerleader.

despite the beginning of this, my life’s not all bad. there’s some light despite the darkness. i just have to make the most of what’s in the light.